Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
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I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.