Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
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Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.