Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.