Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”

Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.