Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
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Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I’m gonna go see the new Annabelle movie just to watch a less evil entity on a screen.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets