@KalvinMacleod

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

You Might Also Like

@TheAlexNevil

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

@BruceForce

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.

@anerdonfire2

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

@kumailn

I’m gonna go see the new Annabelle movie just to watch a less evil entity on a screen.

@TheBoydP

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

@TheTweetOfGod

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

@Book_Krazy

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break

@MunkMania

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

@Parkerlawyer

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

@iwearaonesie

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets