“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
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The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
middle school in the ’90s
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.