Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

Running your mouth is not cardio.

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

Being rude underwater is snarkeling

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

middle school in the ’90s

My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me: