“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
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If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Finally
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*