“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

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A) I don’t care who is stalking my twitter
B) I don’t care who is saying terrible things about me
C) I don’t care – OH! Free iPad??? *click*


My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.


DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW


Wow she actually noticed me!

Time to pick a different tree.


[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing


DISPATCH: we have a report of a robbery in progress four blocks from your current location
HOT AIR BALLOON COP: I’ll be there in 80 days


I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.


CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]


girlfriend: okay fine, but promise it won’t be like last time

me: *Already kicking kids out of the bouncy castle* THIS. IS. SPARTA!