Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

4k tvs? no thanks i only need one

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

Me: It’s time to get ready for school.

Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?

Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.

[6 hours later]

Kid: What are we having for dinner?

Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep