Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon

when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer

3: for forever?! Yay!!

Me: for five more minutes

3: *bursts into tears*

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

Turns out I’m not an afternoon person either.

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids