Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard

Denise please return my vape pen

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

good for her

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans