Milk Cube
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[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…
Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.