Milk Cube
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Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.