Milk Cube
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no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”