“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
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Breaking news:
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Single and childfree like Jesus
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.