“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
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[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Oh. My. God.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo