Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
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trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.