Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
You Might Also Like
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
