Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
You Might Also Like
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Blocking someone isn’t enough, I want their shirt to catch on a door handle
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”