Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium

Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.