Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.

Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…

Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].

Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons

At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?

It’s not 13.

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles