[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
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BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
me irl
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
okay run it by me one more time
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool