Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.

if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

If only

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’