Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
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Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
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I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”