Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
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date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget