Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
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i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo