Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

Thank heavens for community notes

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?

New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?

Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

Finished stitching this today 😇

Gorilla vs. cold water 😂

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me

Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls

[Super Villain Team Tryouts]

COACH: Tell me what you can do

MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal

LOKI: I’m a god

THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…