Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

He a real one for that

me: god I need a break from work

God: [creates pandemic]

me: not like that

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.