Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
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One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
Chicken bread
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have