Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
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“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
How do you like your Corgi?
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!