[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
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I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.