Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

This cat wants you to take your pills

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?