Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

[Whoville]

Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks

Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess

Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit

Me: Seems harsh

Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him

Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying

*pokes sex life with a stick

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.

The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.