[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here![]()
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Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*