Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism