Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

Me too

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

Her: Can I sit down & join you?

Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.

Her: Oh, no you’re not!

Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.

“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy