Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
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One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
😂😂😂
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Lmao 😁
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.