Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,

Shut up.

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man