Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆

“I’ll go when the cat gets up”

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

When you’re Kinky but poor

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

*walks in on family gathering*

I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back