Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.

I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.