Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
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He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
This will never not be funny 😭
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
No way!
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Jupiter
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
who wore it better?
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
That’s easy for you to say
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
The Weeknd is back
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one