Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
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“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢