Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
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Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.