Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
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Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Terribly Tuesday.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.