Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
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If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Tell the colonel to bring it
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I will cook for you
-me, threatening