Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: what time is it

me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions

Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

“The weatherman isn’t real!”

-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…