Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.

He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.

Now, he’s worth $190 billion.

The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜

My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

“you recording!?”

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you