Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”

*starts driving*

“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*

Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.

Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.

Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.

Me: Leave the military out of this.

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.