Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
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“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order