Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’re going to daycare today

3: Okay

Me: We’re almost at daycare

3: Okay

Me: We’re at daycare

3: *bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

A dead goose is called a ghoost

Just grow your own

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…

*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”

Mmmm yeah, you like that?

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?

F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.

Next day

F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.