Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
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Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
They’re stuck in your pants?
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled