911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
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me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Yup.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.