Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
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[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter