Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
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Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
In space, no one can hear…
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
What’s a Messi?
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.