millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
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My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
