millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
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Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech