Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

The asteroid..

Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.

I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.

The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.

Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.