Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]

Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.

And Monopoly was born.

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.

~ Theresa May