Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
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[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.