millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
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Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
This trial is so absurd 😭
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.