millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
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Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
john wicks are toilet candles
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.