millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Flowers bee like
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
happy friday
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
ah yes….my favourite videogame
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
