Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
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oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
was Jim off killing horses or…
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
