Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
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freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
girls literally only want one thing..
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites