Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
You Might Also Like
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.