Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
You Might Also Like
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?