millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
lol
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
584.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.