millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
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TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Can’t. About to go please some beans
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda