millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
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The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*