millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
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Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
😅🤣😂
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
You can’t rush stupid.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.