Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
You Might Also Like
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
i would wish you the best but i am the best
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.