Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
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If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.