Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
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[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I have so many questions.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.