@Steelers1972

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

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@CMFC99

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.

@bourgeoisalien

stranger: can i talk to you about Jesus?

me: *explodes into a thousand bats and flies into the nearest Arby’s

@notmythirdrodeo

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

@mjkspeaks

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

@LinajkReturns

The airline managed to lose the in-laws luggage, but not the in-laws. *sigh*

@UrbanDouchebag

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs.

@NotARatsAss

“Do you need a ride?”

Me, to every jogger I pass in my car

@JohnLyonTweets

When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.

@MissHavisham

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

@patnspankme

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.