@Steelers1972

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

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@electrolemon

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

@ElleOhHell

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

@OneTrickTofani

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

@nyquills

Me: this horror movie is completely unrealistic.

Wife: shhh

Me: the main characters are so stupid look at them walking into an obvious trap.

Wife: shut up and watch

Me: bet she’s a witch and he was under a spell the whole ti-

Wife: ffs it’s our wedding video!

@CarpeAngela

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

@Peauxtassium

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

@Kyle_Lippert

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

@ThrillHicks

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.