Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

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My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.


stranger: can i talk to you about Jesus?

me: *explodes into a thousand bats and flies into the nearest Arby’s


5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?


God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.


The airline managed to lose the in-laws luggage, but not the in-laws. *sigh*


Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs.


“Do you need a ride?”

Me, to every jogger I pass in my car


When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.


My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.


Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.